Alphabet for a Death Eater
by EllaMaeEfron
Summary: In which Voldie threatens the Author routinely, Bella's an air head, and many of the DEs are nameless. Parody, and very much so. Alphabet fic. The Author needs some coffee. And a Taco Belt.
1. A is for Aquarium

**A/N:** Welcome! This is my first _real_ parody fic. I hope it lives up to your expectations. Please tell me what you think. Thank you!

Ella

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Chapter 1

A is for Aquarium

One fine morning, the Death Eaters were out for a jaunty stroll when Bellatrix decided she was bored.

"I'm bored!"

"Shyut it, sweetlips!" growled a Death Eater, one of the ones not important enough to have names. This particular Death Eater had an eye patch and a hunchback, and he spoke in a growling New York accent.

Anyway, Bella decided she was bored. Voldie, who had just recently declared himself Supreme Ruler of the Universe (even though he and the Death Eaters were still in "hiding"), shut her up with a well-placed (and thoroughly appreciated) ShutUpOrI'llMakeYou Charm.

The DEs walked around and around in tighter and tighter circles, holding onto the shoulders of the person in front of them, like one of those Congo lines. Seriously, people always seem walk in circles, and then they can never get untangled, so they have to walk as one big mass of idiots, kicking their legs out at random intervals for the rest of their lives. Here's a tip: avoid those things like a Voldie in a bikini.

"Hey, Buster!" shouted Voldie, shaking his fist at the sky, "I heard that!" The author then decided to take a quick coffee break ((hem hem)) while Voldie blasted everything in site to smithereens thanks to his terrible anger-management problem.

When the Author returned, she discovered that the only thing still intact in BlindandorStupidPeopleWhoDon'tNoticeaMassofDeathEatersWalkingAroundtopia, where the story was rapidly ((hem hem)) unfolding, was an aquarium.

"Let's go to the Aquarium!" chorused everyone but Voldie, who was muttering things to himself under his breath.

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After cursing the Aquarium's guards, the DEs made their way into the Aquarium without having to pay the ridiculously high entrance fee.

"Ooh!" squealed Bellatrix. "Look at the pretty fishies!" Voldie then proceeded to tap every piece of glass he could find in a fit of teenager-worthy rebellion.

Some of the Nameless Death Eaters wandered into the Eye-Max Theater. True to it's word, the Eye-Max Theater caused the NDEs' eyes to Max out. The movie currently playing was entitled _How to Stop a Troop of Idiot Death Eaters from Destroying our Blissful and Perfect Town of BlindandorStupidPeopleWhoDon'tNoticeaMassofDeathEatersWalkingAroundtopia_. The NDEs were shocked. They had had **no idea** that "idiot" was spelled like that!

**What will happen next?**

**Will our Beloved Buffoons find their way out of the Aquarium of doom?**

**Will Voldie be kicked out for tapping the glass?**

**Find out in the next episode of: **

**Alphabet for a Death Eater!**

**A/N:** So? What'd you think? Please tell me! I'm sorry this one was so short, but my next one will be/should be longer. I really really want to know if you liked it or hated it. If you review, I'll update faster...!


	2. B is for Beluga Whales

**A/N: **You lucky ducks! You get an update in the same day! Please show your consideration by reviewing. -innocent grin-

Ella

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Chapter 2

B is for Beluga Whale(s)

Bella pressed her nose on the glass, which was growing increasingly dirtier the longer the DEs were in the building. The fish looked at each other and sighed.

"When do you think these damn people will leave?" one asked the other.

"I don't know, but I hope it's soon. That one guy over there," said the other fish, gesturing with his fin to Voldie, who was wearing a newly "purchased" shark hat and bobbing his head to the didgeridoo band playing in the lobby, "is really creeping me out."

The other fish nodded and the pair went back to living their enthralling, fishy lives in a glass box.

Meanwhile, Voldie had thrown himself into the mosh pit surrounding the didgeridoo band. He was jumping up and down screaming at the top of his lungs. Then he freed himself from the crowd, took a running start, and jumped on top of the sweaty mass of people. He crowd surfed (which, by the way, may look fun, but it is really just an excuse for the crowd to grope whoever is surfing) his way to the stage, punched the lead didgeridooer in the face and took over for him.

Bella sighed, peeled her face away from the glass and jumped onstage to drag Voldie off by his ear. She pressed her finger to Voldie's Dark Mark™, making him whimper. The DEs apparated around her, while the loveable citizens of BlindandorStupidPeopleWhoDon'tNoticeaMassofDeathEatersWalkingAroundtopia took no notice.

"Okay, DEs," Bella said, glaring around at her fellow Death Eaters like a military school teacher, "we need to go back to the Death Eater Hideout™." All the DEs nodded their heads in agreement, looked at each other excitedly, clapped their hands, did the hokey pokey… that sort of thing.

They all held hands and said, "I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart!" The dragon scale Bella had pulled out of thin air began glowing rainbow, and they were whisked away to their homely Death Eater Hideout™ (aka the Malfoys' mungo mansion, complete with butler, three car garage, indoor pool, skating rink, and basketball court, not to mention the Malfoys and their beloved son, Dumbo).

Dumbo Malfoy ran outside to greet the Death Eaters. "Umm… excuse me?! Ms. Author! My name is Draco, not _Dumbo_!" The Author then proceeded to tell Dumbo exactly why his name was Dumbo. Dumbo, being the easily-embarrassable teen that he was, ran inside the house with his face bright red after hearing such a composed, beautiful young woman (aka moi) use such language.

Lumpkin, father of Dumbo and wife of Gnarlycissa, hurried outside. He, too, was burning red, but not because the author had offended him somehow; because his son was such an incompetent nincompoop. Most of the DEs had gone off on their merry ways, prancing around the garden, petting the peacocks and such nonsense because they had attention spans rivaled only by the goldfish back at the aquarium. Or a ten-year old boy in today's technology world. Oh, I remember when computers weren't even invented! They blahity blah blah blah. The DEs all looked up as the Author went on a seemingly endless ramble about "the good old days" (aka before she was alive), then shrugged and continued their buffoon-nonsense.

One Death Eater, however, was not petting a peacock. He was crying on the ground. "I w-wanted to s-see the Beluga Whale!" he cried. Lumpkin tried to pacify him with a pretty peacock, but the DE just spat the peacock out on the ground, where it ruffled its feathers dignifiedly and went off on a date with a pretty girl peacock. This DE was, in fact, the same NDE with the hunchback and eye patch way back in Ch. 1. He stopped his crying momentarily to look around at his fellow DEs and NDEs. Upon spotting Bellatrix, he ran at her, screaming, "Beluga Whale! It's a Beluga Whale!" Bella, needless to say, was not amused.

A few moments later, when the smoldering wreck that was once an NDE had finished smoking, the Author decided she needed another break.

**What will happen next?**

**Will Bella ever get over being called a Beluga Whale?**

**Will the Malfoys ever redeem themselves?**

**Find out in the next episode of: **

**Alphabet for a Death Eater!**


End file.
